As you may know, Sen. Joseph Lieberman appeared on our program, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” two weeks ago. Our people are currently in touch with your people, trying to arrange a time for you to come on by for a segment. So far you haven’t committed and that’s cool. I just want to let you know that I understand why you’ve been holding back.
The past few weeks have seen an unprecedented and ruthless, take-no-prisoners televised charm offensive waged by the other three major party candidates. Al Gore has waxed folksy for Oprah and held cue cards for Jay. George W. Bush has played dress up for Regis. And Lieberman, after sitting down with Jon Stewart, ran off to sing and dance for Conan. Targeted voters–and other innocent civilians caught in the crossfire–have been subjected to a non-stop, carpet bombing of cutesiness, a relentless barrage of sticky sweet. Think Da Nang, then replace the napalm with syrup.
But you, Dick, have been AWOL from these engagements. And for this I commend you.
Personality-based pandering clearly goes against every fiber of your no-nonsense being.You chit-chatting on Rosie is as hard to imagine as Clint Eastwood starring in a musical. (I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that Eastwood did star in the 1969 film version of Lerner and Loewe’s “Paint Your Wagon.” The film was a flop, though, in part because of Eastwood’s performance, which ultimately proves my point … although I should also admit that the entire analogy is weak since hell would freeze over before Rosie would invite you on her show.)
But I also suspect a shrewd tactical consideration on your part. I think you calculated that as Americans begin reeling from our current state of charm-fatigue, your brand of Western-bred laconic grit will look better and better. And you’re right. It does–Big Time.
Call it Cheney Chic. I think we’re all hungering for your kind of strong silent less-is-more politics. I know that some of your own skittish advisers have urged you to “loosen up.” In Wilmington, Delaware, they handed you a baby. You shook the baby’s hand. (I love that!) Those advisers are slaves to the ruling class of soccer moms who are currently holding our political system hostage and demanding puffy nonsense chitchat as ransom. You don’t need me to warn you that if you give in to their demands for even a nanosecond, you’ll stem the rise of Cheney Chic in an instant. (With all due respect to Oprah, you can “Renew Your Spirit” with Lynne, not on national TV.) So rest assured that we know where you’re coming from. And we won’t ask you to change a thing, should you accept our invitation. You won’t have to read a top ten list. You won’t have to kiss our host. You won’t have to croon “My Way.” You can talk about oil. You can talk about the military. You can talk about fly fishing.
And if it makes you happy, you can come sit on our couch … and not talk at all.
