You should have him tested. That advice is echoed in classrooms around the country as more and more teachers and parents understand the importance of developing good social skills. Researchers now know that success in life–personal happiness, too–depends to a great degree on an individual’s “emotional intelligence,” the ability to function well in a group and to form meaningful relationships. “Children who are generally disliked, who are aggressive and disruptive, who are unable to sustain close relationships with other children and who cannot establish a place for themselves in the peer culture are seriously at risk,” says psychologist Willard Hartup of the University of Minnesota. That’s why kids like William, who run into trouble early, are getting the help they need at an age when the right therapy can really make a difference.
Sometimes the problem is just awkwardness; in other cases, there can be real neurological deficits. In William’s case, test results revealed that he was suffering from attention deficit disorder and an inability to read social cues. “He didn’t know where his personal space ended and someone else’s space began,” his mother says. “He couldn’t read facial expressions. Sometimes he was nonresponsive when people were talking directly to him. He talked at people, and didn’t laugh at the right time.”
For three years William attended weekly group therapy, where he would play with other kids with similar problems while the therapist gently prompted and corrected his interactions. He also met with a psychologist for one-on-one help. Now in eighth grade, he continues with individual therapy. He’s still “not Mr. Popularity,” his mom says, but “he has friends.”
Experts agree that the earlier the intervention, the more effective the therapy. But evaluating very young children can be tricky. Many psychologists believe children develop social competence at different rates–just as some children are slow to walk or talk. “On the one hand it’s encouraging that more children are getting help early on,” says Jan Wintrol, director of the Ivymount School in suburban Maryland, which diagnoses social, emotional and behavioral problems. “On the other hand, I get concerned about an overemphasis: we think we have to have therapy for everything.”
So how does a parent know whether to worry about a kid who’s always alone on the playground? The experts advise parents to watch, compare, consult with teachers and, in the end, trust their instincts.
The first hint of trouble often shows up when children are preverbal, between 12 and 24 months, says psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan, author of “The Growth of the Mind.” At this stage, children typically “learn to use gestures to get their needs met and express their emotions.” Most toddlers learn this automatically. Kids who don’t master this skill may also fail to develop in other ways. Parents might begin to notice that their child isn’t interacting the way other children do or that playmates avoid their child. Marshall Duke and Steve Nowicki Jr., psychology professors at Emory University and authors of “Helping the Child Who Doesn’t Fit In,” call this condition “dyssemia.” The abilities to interpret and use nonverbal cues “are the building blocks of social skills,” Nowicki says.
Tests can reveal that a child is unable to read facial expressions, body language or tone of voice. Other children can’t get their bodies and faces to express the right emotions. And some children can do neither. Some stand much too close to people, or touch them inappropriately. They may talk way too loud–or so softly they can’t be heard. They may laugh or cry or get angry at the wrong times, or seem to be talking at people rather than conversing with them. “These are the kind of rules that you only notice when they get broken,” Duke says.
Some of these kids may have a brain processing problem that makes it difficult for them to sequence or put their thoughts into action. Others may have a speech disability or a form of autism or developmental problems. Some problems may be aggravated by learning disabilities or attention deficit disorder. Others simply haven’t had enough experience interacting with people. Children with depressed, alcoholic or drug-using parents can exhibit the same problems, as can youngsters who are not getting enough one-on-one attention from busy parents or overworked child-care providers. Duke and Nowicki’s studies indicate that about 10 percent of children have some form of dyssemia. If those estimates are right, that would be equal to double the number of children who have been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder.
To find the right kind of help, parents can start by asking teachers, the school psychologist or an educational counselor. Some kids join “social skill groups” like William’s with other children and a trained therapist acting almost as a coach. Others seek help through family or one-on-one counseling. Some therapists act primarily as consultants, observing a kid’s behavior at home and in school and then advising teachers and parents.
Children struggle with these problems at all ages. Maryland pediatrician Sharon Goldman says she has one new patient who’s a senior in high school. “She’s never gone on a date,” Goldman says. “She’s never hung out at the mall with friends. She’s so exquisitely afraid of how others will view her that she has no friends. She needs to learn to do these things before she goes off to college by herself.”
It’s never too late to get that help; some therapists who specialize in social skills work only with adults, and others even consult with corporations that are having difficulties with employees. But children benefit the most. Intervention can help kids with mild to moderate social problems have a normal social life. Those with more severe problems may always be a little stiff or quirky in their social exchanges, but with help they have a much better chance of being able to relate to others. As William’s mom says, “This stuff doesn’t just disappear. But he’s going up the ladder. He’s going in the right direction.” And his future looks a lot less lonely.
